I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
