life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
