The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
