why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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