while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
