I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
