Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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