so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
