Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
