Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
