Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
