Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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