It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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