I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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