I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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