You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think people are normalizing furries
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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