dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
