dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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