she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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