Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
zippers are such a cool invention
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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