I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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