I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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