He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
