It's Friday. Sex?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
