You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
