Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
