Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
