my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
