The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
