i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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