well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Ladies don't puke and tell
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize