Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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