They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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