i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
