I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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