I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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