well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
