The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
