Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize