I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
