have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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