everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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