My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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