i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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