filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
