Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
