Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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