So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
