I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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