i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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