the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
