Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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