I accidentally burped into my bong.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
