I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize