My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
