i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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