I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
