Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
