Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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