So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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