There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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